underlying resentments by both participants in these relationships . Helpful means we support people through guidance without rescuing them . We don ’ t jump in . When asked for help , we make suggestions and encourage them . They are allowed to work their way out of whatever dilemma they face so that they can grow past repeating the same mistakes .

An addiction to someone is exhausting because , like any addiction , it ’ s a vicious cycle . You are locked into a back-to-back relationship that you are carrying . You keep thinking that your efforts will make a difference , but they don ’ t . No matter how many times you pay off the bills , hire lawyers , or forgive unacceptable behavior , things don ’ t change . You keep winding up in the same hole while the other person skates on by . You ’ re both doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results . The only result you achieve is anger , depression , and more pain . change for a mentally healthy relationship with the person you care about . It might be comfortable at first but think of the longterm benefits of replacing a frustrating , dysfunctional relationship with an adult-toadult , loving one .

It ’ s never too late to tell someone you realize your efforts haven ’ t been helping them and you know they can figure out how to fix their own problems . You can warn them ahead of time that you will no longer be able to help . Then , when the next catastrophe happens and they come to you to fix things , you can remind them of the earlier warning . They might get angry and might even threaten you . This is a normal reaction by someone who has become overly dependent . But once they are forced to figure out how to take responsibility for their actions , they will be grateful . Then both of you can learn how to take better care of yourself as healthy , loving adults .

The best thing you can do to change someone else is to change yourself . When you love someone , you offer them a hand but don ’ t do all the work . They take your hand and pull themselves up . Otherwise , you get pulled off the ledge , and you both go down .

Repeatedly subjecting yourself to a painful agreement is not love . Before you can offer love to someone else , you must love yourself . The first step toward self-love is to stop being used and abused . Only then will you have the strength to be an agent of

DR . DONNA MARKS - Dr . Marks has been a licensed psychotherapist and addictions counselor in Palm Beach , Florida , for over thirty years . She is also a certified gestalt therapist , psychoanalyst , hypnotist , sex therapist , and teaches A Course in Miracles . Her books Exit the Maze and The Healing Moment are available online and in stores . Learn more at www . DrDonnaMarks . com .