Kids raised by parents who are addicted or otherwise impaired to the point of the inability to be full-time parents are inadvertently trained to be codependent . There ’ s an unconscious wish that providing support will fix their parent ’ s problems and make them better parents . This never happens .

Later on , when grown , these same individuals gravitate toward people like their wounded parents . They will transfer the same caretaking patterns to other impaired people in their lives . They will take on the other ’ s responsibilities at the expense of themselves . They cover up , make excuses , and enable the person they caretake to remain stuck . Even worse , the codependent suffers emotionally , physically , or financially while the person they are helping isn ’ t able to appreciate the help and even fosters an underlying resentment .

People in addictive relationships have confused addiction with love . Once we identify the substitutes for love and replace them with authentic love , the relationship can become healthy and fulfilling .

When something painful happens in a family , some kids adopt the role of the fixer . They often assume the responsibilities of the parents , become a family life coach , or take on the role of a superhero . This is typical in families suffering from alcoholism , affairs , reckless spending , and other addictive behaviors . These kids believe that their efforts will make things better . But even if it does help , it ’ s not the role of a child to adopt a parental role or to fix their family ’ s problems . There ’ s a difference between a healthy team approach with shared responsibilities and a child who is overcompensating for a parent ’ s deficiency . Once the pattern starts , there is an unconscious drive throughout life to help other people like their parents . Unwarranted help is ineffective and only leads to disappointment and suffering .

It ’ s one thing to be helpful , and it ’ s another to enable . Helpful fosters independence and enabling creates helplessness . Protecting someone from the consequences of bad choices perpetuates someone ’ s resistance to positive change . When a parent financially supports an adult child ( or vice-versa ) without insisting on education or employment , when a lover tolerates abuse from their partner , or when someone covers up for a sibling or friend , they have overstepped a healthy boundary . Even worse , there are always

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